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The Encyclopedia of PC Terms: Learning Not to Offend in an Orwellian Society

In Civil Lefts on 30/09/2010 at 05:47

Below, I have listed words and terms that have seen their day in the U.S. Republicans and Independent conservatives are encouraged to learn and used these new terms and definitions in order to hold their jobs, graduate college, or read Census and other government forms.

Nappy-Headed Ho — Although this term is still in general use by the L.A. Crips, sundry Rap artists, and NAACP directors in executive session, those of us who score lower than 15 on Von Luschan’s chromatic skin color scale must use “Sex Worker with Afro Textured Hair.”

Victim — Disadvantaged Perpetrator of a Violent Crime.

Acting Blonde — No Alternative. However acting black is still “Racially Disadvantaged,” due to 300 years of blond oppression.

Mixed/Half-breed — Multi-ethnic. If you are, however, half Irish and half English you are still a bigoted white guy.

Black Sheep — Outcast. Note: An actual black sheep is now a dark-colored ruminant mammal

Retarded — 1. Autistic. 2. Republican

Tea Party — Racist, homophobic assembly. A Tea Party can be distinguished from any other political gathering by racist and homophobic signage like: “Dump Barney Frank,” or “Sarah Palin for President.”

Macaca — Unarmed Middle Easterner. This one was inadvertently made famous by former Virginia governor George Allen. Many UMEs can be found driving taxis in New York City, so when you are traveling there on business, watch your words. Car’s can be weapons.

Oriental — This one’s tricky. My wife, who is half Japanese, tells me that in America, “Asian” must be used, but the moment you cross the International Date Line, be sure to switch back to Oriental, or the Japanese will think you’re calling them Muslims. Traveling the other way, Europeans will, however, think as they always have, that you are just a stupid American.

Global Warming — 1. Climate control 2. Floating Styrofoam

Gas mileage — Carbon footprint. This is complicated, but it essentially means that if your 2009 Toyota gets less than 60 miles-per-gallon it must be junked immediately. Harrison Ford, Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio, however, only have to trade in their private jets when they get less than six miles-per-gallon.

Political Correctness — Equality Essentials. That’s right, Political Correctness is no longer PC. “Equality Essentials” will keep you out of trouble, especially if you work for a government agency or organization like the FBI or U.S. Army.

Republican — Collectivist. This was brought into general usage by John McCain and Lindsey Graham to avoid embarrassment at Washington cocktail parties. It, too, is now out of vogue and they are scrambling for a new alternative.

Collectivist — Greedy Republican. Greed is denoted by the shameless practice of the ownership of goods and the means of production by the people. I’m confused. Does this mean only Democrats can own two Gulf Streams and not be greedy?

Fat — Hormonally Challenged. Hormonally challenged people can be easily identified in the checkout lines at the supermarket: They’re the ones with a basket-load of Sara Lee and a case of Diet Pepsi.

Fairy — Petite Airborne Humanoid. This is not to be confused with fagot or queer, which are, well, still fagots and queers, but have no PC alternatives. Homosexual is now “kneeologist,” or sometimes, “starving artist.”

Founding Fathers — Founders. This sexist term has been modified in order to draw attention to the great female leaders of the Revolutionary Era, like Henrietta Jefferson, Isabella Madison, and Rohesia Washington.

List of PC Definitions:

Race-baiting (noun): The act of willfully opposing Affirmative Action.

Majority (noun): 1. White people. 2. Disgusting oppressors.

Millionaire (noun): anyone earning an income of $40,000 a year or more.

Billionaire (noun): The Great Satan.

Collectivism (noun): Two Republicans deciding where to go for lunch.

Evangelical (adj): Suspected terrorist. An evangelical can be easily identified. They cling to their guns and bibles and pass out hate literature in Wal-Mart parking lots. The term has been clarified recently to include Mormons who, when they are wearing backpacks, should only be approached with bomb-sniffing dogs.

Muslim Terrorist (noun): Oppressed Middle Easterner.

Jingoistic (adj): Tending to consider American interests worthy of consideration by the American government and people.

Fetus (noun): 1. an Inconvenience. 2. The Unfortunate result of Catastrophic condom failure.

Irresponsible (adj): 1. Failure to abort a child if a rich, white, liberal feminist thinks that you should (see sexual responsibility). Note: Sarah Palin is supremely irresponsible and stupid because she decided to bring that fetus to term.

Sexual responsibility (noun): 1. contraception (see condom). 2. when contraception fails, Abortion.

Safe sex (noun): 1. Intercourse with an AIDS carrier wearing a condom. 2. Abortion.

Masculinity (noun): Something noxious and immoral, usually found in men.

Businessman (noun): still Capitalist Pig.

Ghetto/barrio: (noun); Blighted urban landscape. Note: These areas are particularly desirable as backdrops for movie directors, photographers, and Democrats running for office. Blighted urban landscapes are essential to socially conscious liberals and must be supported with food stamp, needle exchange, and pregnancy kit programs. Jobs programs, however, are discouraged.

Illegal immigrant (noun): Entrepreneur. Note: Illegal immigrants can be readily identified, in that they do jobs Americans won’t do, like managing El Pollo Loco, serving on the executive board of La Raza, and working for the County of Los Angeles.

Police officer (noun): 1. Felon. 2. Racist.

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